Realistic Expectations in Retirement Investing
Every retiree dreams of the mythical perfect investment: high income, no risk, daily payouts, and maybe a free toaster. I call it the Income Unicorn.
This creature appears in glossy brochures, in suspiciously upbeat YouTube videos, and in the whispered promises of men in golf shirts who “used to work on Wall Street.” It pays 10% a year, never wobbles, never defaults, and requires zero effort. In other words, it doesn’t exist.
But that doesn’t stop us from looking.
My Quest for the Unicorn
When I first retired, I searched everywhere for it. Google, financial newsletters, even the dark recesses of late-night infomercials. I found plenty of candidates:
- A REIT that promised double-digit yields and delivered double-digit headaches.
- A closed-end fund with a monthly payout so high it should have come with a warning label.
- A cryptocurrency project that claimed to combine AI, solar energy, and dog food futures.
None of them were Unicorns. They were more like donkeys in party hats.
Why We Fall For It
We fall for the Unicorn because we want safety and abundance. We want to eat our cake, keep it, and have someone deliver another cake on the first of every month.
But here’s the truth: investments are a trade-off. High income comes with risk. Safety comes with modest returns. Anyone promising otherwise is selling fairy dust.
Learning to Love the Workhorse
Eventually, I gave up chasing the Unicorn and settled for something far more practical: a portfolio of dividend ETFs, bond ladders, and a few conservative REITs. They’re not magical. They don’t sparkle. But they pay reliably, sleep well at night, and let me enjoy retirement without Googling “how to file international bankruptcy” at 2 a.m.
And you know what? That’s enough.
The Real Magic
The real magic isn’t in finding the perfect investment. It’s in accepting the good-enough ones. It’s in choosing 6% you can count on over 10% that gives you heartburn. It’s in laughing at the brochures, ignoring the hype, and realizing that peace of mind beats yield every time.
So stop chasing the Unicorn. Leave it in the meadow with the wildflowers. And if you really want to see one? Take a walk in your imagination. Or better yet, hang the picture at the top of this post on your fridge as a reminder.
Adapted from my book Life Goes On: Financial Comfort Food for Retirees, available now on Amazon in both eBook and paperback. It’s my humorous, heartwarming guide to finding peace of mind in retirement investing.
Disclaimer: This post is for educational and entertainment purposes only. It is not financial advice. Please consult a qualified professional before making investment decisions.