Overcoming Mistakes (With Laughter, Bourbon, and a Small Dose of Indigestion)
When I retired, I had big plans. I was going to master investing the way other people master golf, or sourdough bread, or pickleball. Six months—tops—and I’d have the financial markets eating out of my hand.
Spoiler alert: the markets did not cooperate.
Instead, I accidentally bought a mutual fund so obscure even the manager had to double-check if it still existed. I am not exaggerating. I called the customer service line, and after a very long hold, a young man named Carl (who I suspect was assembling IKEA furniture while talking to me) said:
“Sir, we haven’t had anyone buy that one in years. Honestly, I didn’t know it was still open.”
This is not the call of a financial genius. This is the call of a man who should never be left unsupervised with a mouse and an online brokerage account.
The Thrill of Buying Something You Don’t Understand
The fund had a very official-sounding name: Universal Global Strategic Opportunities Fund Class Z (Tax-Aware International Growth and Income Series). I couldn’t have explained what that meant if you paid me in Costco hot dogs. But it had the words “global,” “strategic,” and “income,” which is the investing equivalent of “low-fat,” “organic,” and “heart-healthy.” I clicked “buy.”
Three months later, it was down 8%. I tried to track the holdings and discovered it was mostly small banks in countries I had to look up on Wikipedia. At one point, I think we owned part of a savings and loan in Montenegro.
This is not what I had envisioned for my golden years.
Laughing at Your Own Blunders
Here’s the thing about investing mistakes in retirement: you can either cry, panic, or laugh. Crying raises your blood pressure, panicking makes you do something dumb, and laughing—while not strictly profitable—doesn’t require antacids.
So I laughed. My wife laughed harder. Then we sold the fund, toasted our survival with a modest glass of bourbon, and moved on.
Lessons From the Wrong Mutual Fund
Looking back, that mutual fund mix-up taught me more than any 300-page finance book ever could:
- If you can’t explain it, don’t buy it.
If your investment sounds like it was named by a committee of lawyers and Scrabble champions, walk away. - Everyone makes mistakes.
Even Warren Buffett bought a bad airline stock once. (The difference is, he doesn’t lose sleep over it. I do.) - It’s okay to be boring.
Simplicity beats sophistication nine times out of ten. The other time, it just beats indigestion.
The Takeaway
If you’ve made an investing blunder—bought the wrong fund, sold too early, held too long—you’re in good company. The goal isn’t perfection. The goal is survival with your sense of humor intact.
Because in retirement, the best returns aren’t measured in percentages. They’re measured in nights you sleep well, mornings you don’t panic, and afternoons you spend doing anything other than deciphering a prospectus that reads like ancient Greek.
Adapted from my book Life Goes On: Financial Comfort Food for Retirees, available now on Amazon in both eBook and paperback. It’s a humorous, heartwarming guide to finding peace of mind in retirement investing.
Disclaimer: This post is for educational and entertainment purposes only. It is not financial advice. Please consult a qualified professional before making investment decisions.