Most retirees dream of excitement: cruises, road trips, maybe skydiving if the hips allow it. Me? I fell head over heels for a certificate of deposit.
Yes, a CD. Not the kind you used to listen to in your car (though mine are still in a shoebox somewhere with Fleetwood Mac’s Greatest Hits). I’m talking about the bank-issued, FDIC-insured kind that pays 2.3% interest.
I didn’t mean to fall in love. But then again, no one ever does.
A Meet-Cute at the Credit Union
It started innocently. I was scrolling through my bank’s website, muttering about my underperforming bond fund, when I saw her:
“12-Month CD – 2.3% Fixed!”
I clicked. She was everything I wanted: dependable, risk-free, and immune to market tantrums. She wasn’t flashy, but she didn’t need to be. She was stable. Solid. Like a Volvo with seat warmers.
Reader, I moved money that very day.
Life With My New Love
Suddenly, things got easier. Every time I checked my account, there she was: steady, calm, and growing ever so slightly. No surprises. No drama. Just quiet reassurance that I hadn’t blown it.
Compare that to the emotional rollercoaster of owning stocks: one day you’re up $2,000 and thinking about buying a boat, the next day you’re down $3,000 and Googling “how to sell plasma for cash.”
With my CD, I slept better. I stopped waking up at 3 a.m. wondering if I should buy gold bars and dig a bunker. I knew exactly where I stood. And frankly, that kind of predictability is romantic at my age.
Low-Yield Love Affairs
My CD wasn’t jealous. She let me see others—though always of the “safe and dull” variety.
There was a fling with short-term Treasuries. They didn’t pay much, but they showed up on time. Then I had a brief affair with I Bonds, who were charming but unavailable for the first twelve months (a hard lesson in patience).
Each relationship reminded me that sometimes “boring” is better. In fact, boring is beautiful when you’re retired.
Why We Chase Safety (and Why That’s Okay)
Wall Street loves to mock people like me—the ones who fall for 2.3% CDs instead of chasing high-yield “opportunities.” But after living through dot-com bubbles, housing crashes, and more “market corrections” than I can count, I’ve learned that there’s a certain hope in safety.
Hope that you’ll always have enough.
Hope that your income will still be there next month.
Hope that, for once, you won’t need antacids to open your brokerage statement.
Lessons From a 2.3% Courtship
Here’s what my little love affair taught me:
- Not every investment needs fireworks. Stability is sexy in its own way.
- Peace of mind is priceless. You can’t put a yield percentage on sleeping well.
- Hope isn’t found in big wins—it’s found in small, steady ones.
The truth? I’d rather have 2.3% with a smile than 10% with a panic attack.
Closing Thoughts
So yes, I married a CD. She’s not glamorous. She doesn’t inspire envy at cocktail parties. But she makes me feel safe, seen, and solvent—and in retirement, that’s true love.
Sometimes the greatest hope comes not from chasing the next big thing, but from quietly appreciating the dull little things that work exactly as promised.
Adapted from my book Life Goes On: Financial Comfort Food for Retirees, available now on Amazon in both eBook and paperback. It’s my humorous, heartwarming guide to finding peace of mind in retirement investing.
Disclaimer: This post is for educational and entertainment purposes only. It is not financial advice. Please consult a qualified professional before making investment decisions.