How Quarterly Payouts Became Date Night
When you picture a retired couple rekindling romance, you probably imagine roses, candlelight, maybe a little Sinatra playing softly in the background. In my case, it wasn’t roses. It wasn’t Sinatra. It was dividends.
Yes, dividends. Those modest quarterly checks that arrive not with passion or poetry but with the predictability of a Swiss train schedule. And let me tell you, nothing says “I still love you” in your seventies like a line item on your brokerage statement.
The First Time It Happened
It was a Wednesday afternoon. My dividend ETF had just dropped a $147.50 distribution into our account. I told my wife, who, to her credit, barely looked up from her crossword puzzle.
“That’s nice,” she said.
But then I had an idea. “Let’s go out to dinner. With the dividend.”
We did. It wasn’t Paris or Venice. It was Luigi’s down the street, the one with the bottomless breadsticks and house wine that could be used to remove paint. But something happened that night. We laughed more. Talked more. Debated whether “value stocks” were still a thing.
By the time dessert arrived, I knew: dividends weren’t just income. They were romance.
Ex-Dividend Date Night
Thus began a new ritual. Every quarter, like clockwork, we celebrate dividend payouts with a little date night. Sometimes it’s dinner out. Sometimes it’s takeout and Netflix. Occasionally, it’s just a walk around the block followed by a glass of something decent at home.
It’s not glamorous. But it’s ours.
And let me tell you, in retirement, predictability is sexy. Because while Wall Street might swing wildly from optimism to despair, dividends show up on schedule—dependable, steady, utterly reliable. In other words, everything my hairline is not.
The Language of Love (and Income)
Some couples buy each other jewelry. I buy shares of low-volatility dividend ETFs.
It’s not flashy. My wife doesn’t swoon when I mention payout ratios. But she did once look at me with genuine admiration when I explained the difference between qualified dividends and ordinary income. Reader, it was a moment.
We all have our love languages. Ours just happens to involve yield.
The Spats
Of course, dividends aren’t all wine and roses. We’ve had disagreements. Like the time we argued about whether to keep a REIT that cut its payout. There we were, 10:30 at night, in bed, me with my tablet glowing like a neon sign, her slathering on night cream, both of us furiously debating the future of commercial real estate.
It wasn’t our finest hour. But it ended in laughter. Because honestly, if you’re going to argue in your seventies, better it be about dividends than in-laws.
Why It Works
The truth is, dividends give us more than income. They give us a shared ritual. Something to look forward to. A reason to toast together, however modest the payout may be.
And isn’t that what retirement is really about? Not chasing unicorns. Not obsessing over charts. Just finding new ways to connect—with each other, with life, with the peace of knowing that steady income is quietly arriving while you’re out eating breadsticks.
Final Thought
So if you’re retired, or about to be, don’t overlook the romance hiding in your portfolio. Dividends aren’t just financial. They’re personal. They’re little reminders that while the market may be unpredictable, some things still arrive on time.
And sometimes, they even come with tiramisu.
Adapted from my book Life Goes On: Financial Comfort Food for Retirees, available now on Amazon in both eBook and paperback. It’s a humorous, heartwarming guide to finding peace of mind in retirement investing.
Disclaimer: This post is for educational and entertainment purposes only. It is not financial advice. Please consult a qualified professional before making investment decisions.